The Cost of Shape-Shifting: Understanding Masking and Identity Work in Neurodivergent Lives
Many neurodivergent individuals—particularly those with ADHD or autism—grow up learning that their natural ways of thinking, behaving, or interacting don’t “fit.” To stay safe, accepted, or simply survive, they learn to mask. Over time, this masking can evolve into something even deeper: shape-shifting.
But what does that mean—and how does it affect a person’s sense of self?
What Is Masking?
Masking is the act of suppressing or camouflaging neurodivergent traits in order to blend in with social or cultural expectations. This may include mimicking facial expressions, scripting conversations, hiding stimming behaviours, or faking eye contact.
It’s often a survival strategy developed in childhood—one that continues into adulthood without even realising it’s happening.
Shape-Shifting: When Masking Becomes Identity Loss
Shape-shifting is a deeper, more profound and pervasive form of masking. It’s not just about hiding traits—it’s about changing your whole self to match your environment.
Imagine being a social chameleon, constantly altering your communication style, emotional responses, interests, tone of voice, even your values—depending on who you're with.
For neurodivergent people, shape-shifting can feel like:
Becoming a high achiever in professional spaces, while internally struggling to function.
Being the peacekeeper in family dynamics often means suppressing your own needs and/or boundaries.
Taking on the cool, chill friend persona in social groups, even while experiencing anxiety or sensory overload.
Adopting the “good girl” or “helpful boy” identity to earn praise and avoid rejection.
Over time, this disconnection from your authentic self can result in identity confusion, burnout, and emotional distress.
Why Do We Shape-Shift?
Shape-shifting is often an unconscious learned response to:
Avoid bullying, punishment, or exclusion
Gain approval, validation, or love
Cope with cultural, familial, or gendered expectations
Survive in environments that don't accommodate neurodiversity
Social norms reward people who perform “correctly.” For neurodivergent individuals, this means constantly editing themselves to meet those invisible standards.
The Emotional Toll
The long-term effects of shape-shifting can be profound:
Impact Explanation
Chronic Burnout Constant masking is exhausting and leads to emotional and physical collapse.
Anxiety & Depression Internalised pressure to “perform” fuels shame and low self-worth.
Identity Confusion Years of pretending can leave someone unsure of who they really are.
Loss of Joy & Spontaneity Life feels like a performance rather than being truly present.
Reclaiming the Self: Identity Work in Therapy
Unmasking doesn’t mean suddenly dropping every defence—it’s a gentle, layered process of rediscovering who you are beneath the coping strategies.
At Holistic Haven Counselling, we support neurodivergent clients in:
Identifying what parts of themselves are authentic vs performative
Understanding how cultural or gender norms shaped their masking
Grieving what was lost to shape-shifting
Developing self-trust and emotional validation
Setting boundaries that reflect their true needs
This is the core of identity work—rebuilding a relationship with the self that is not rooted in approval, perfectionism, or survival.
You Are Not Too Much or Too Little
If you’ve spent your life shape-shifting to fit in, know this:
You are not broken—you’ve been adapting.
You are not fake—you’ve been surviving.
You are not lost—you’re on your way back to yourself.
Your neurodivergence is not something to fix—it’s something to understand, honour, and integrate.
If you're ready to start unmasking and reclaiming your identity, Holistic Haven Counselling is here to walk beside you.
Book a session today and begin the journey home to yourself.